Alright lets face it. This Christmas feels like we don’t have that much to be happy about.
Indulge me if you will. I lost my job, I moved back in with my parents, and I didn’t make it to New York like I thought I was going to. And when I take the time to sit in this it feels like a failure. Even though it has nothing to do with me and the fact that outside circumstances have literally affected the entire world, it still is enough to make me feel sorry for myself .
AND THAT IS OK.
You are allowed to be sad about all your hopes and dreams going down the drain. You are allowed to be upset that you aren’t where you thought you were but what you are not allowed to do is give up.
The last week I spent my days binge watching Love Island and feeling completely uninspired. I kept telling myself that I should be doing more. I thought about how I should blog about something because it would make me feel purposeful but nothing came out and its funny because I realized the best thing to write about was how I couldn’t find anything to write about at all. Why?
Because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
Consumed with thoughts of where I thought I was going to be. And that doesn’t do anything good except make you forget all the amazing things that you are. So as I was binge watching Love Island, and sleeping in , and playing Sims 4 for HOURS on end, my brain tried to make me believe that I was sad. And maybe even borderline depressed, but this morning I realized that is not the case at all.
I have actually found happiness in all these little joys. But because they aren’t considered “productive” things my mind was trying to convince me that something must be wrong with me. But you know what?
“REST DOES NOT INVALIDATE ME”
It recharges me. It makes me take care of myself, it allows me to slow down, and most importantly, it makes sure i’m not listening to any voices other than my own. Which is how it should be.
When I get hard on myself it’s because i’m trying to live up to the expectation I think others have for me. I forget that the most important thing is how I feel about myself. But times like these my insecurity blares through and it’s hard for me not to live for other people’s approval. And then I start to see a version of myself that I don’t like. Someone who is afraid to take steps, someone who is constantly worried about what others think. And someone who doesn't make decisions for herself. That is not who I wanna be. That is not who I am.
So if I wanna take a rest that includes binge watching trash tv and watching every new Hallmark Christmas movie, I’m going to do that without feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to see it as finding the little joys in this very difficult year for all of us. And I’m going to see it as doing something just for me and not anyone else.