When someone you love hurts you a thousand times, sometimes you give them a thousand chances to tell you that they aren’t actually the person they’ve already told you they are.
Why do we do this?
Because it’s so hard to let go of that first moment you looked at them and thought “I am so in love with you and I trust you wholeheartedly.” The first time I felt this way was when I woke up from a nap with my partner for the very first time. Not only was it the first time we had ever napped together but it was the first time I had taken a nap in YEARS. Me, high inducing stress, morning person, Ciara, does not take naps. So I took this as a huge sign of letting my guard down and truly allowing myself to be with someone. Which meant I trusted him with my whole heart. Fast forward, people grow, circumstances change, and neither of you are those two people who took a nap together in your safe, comfy, never- had -another -boy -in -it -before-bed. And deep down you know that. In fact you keep telling yourself that over and over and over again. But your heart is waiting for those five seconds when he proves you wrong. Where he says the thing or does the thing you want him to. And you’re actually willing to wait for it to happen until you can feel like the sleepy, happy, falling in love girl again.
That’s why its so hard to let go.
It’s the feeling not so much the person. And its important to know that in case you find yourself falling into old habits again. The desire to be loved can be so strong that we are willing to look past blazing red flags in order to feel it. But letting go doesn’t happen overnight and sometimes it feels like one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. Because not only do you have to let go of that person or those old feelings, but you have to let go of the person you were when you experienced it. Which sometimes is the hardest part.
When I think about that very moment and all the bits and pieces of life that happened since then it feels like I’ve lived an entire lifetime. That girl needed those situations, that person, and that kind of love to become the person she is today. That nineteen year old girl felt a kind of love she had only imagined in fairytales. So I don’t regret any of it. But its important to note that the girl I am today needs something a lot different. And thats ok. Because there are plenty of fairytales to be had and a time and place for all of them.
So, as the holiday season approaches and you find yourself reaching for the phone to text your ex, or falling into old habits, remember: You are stronger than you think. Everything happened as it should. And there is a new kind of love waiting for you that you are every bit deserving of.