Let me be the first to say I had the worst Valentines Day. I had the intentions of having dinner with my girlfriends, going to the Cat Cafe to play with cats, and then going out for a cocktail after the show. Feeling sorry for myself was not on the agenda. But it happened to be the first thought that came out of my head when I woke up that morning. I had an uncontrollable sob in my pillow followed by an even more frustrating sob because I was actually crying because I was single. PEOPLE ARE DYING and I am CRYING BECAUSE I AM SINGLE. Part of it was the residue of my last relationship hanging around, part of it was bits and pieces of other relationships hanging around and part of it was this idea that “today would just be better if”. So I had a good cry, put on a nice outfit, went to the Cat Cafe, had a cocktail with my friends and didn’t cry another tear. I relapsed, if you will.
Then quarantine came.
And when I tell you I have had a flash memory of every person I have ever been with I am not kidding you. Literally every person I have every had a real relationship or fling with has crossed my memory only to make me reevaluate how and why they happened. “What on earth was I thinking” has come up multiple times during my quarantine. Not every situation, but most of them. I have cried about memories I haven’t thought about since they’ve happened. And I have gotten angry again about things I can no longer control. Staying home has illuminated a lot for me about my dating habits. So once again, PEOPLE ARE DYING and I am CRYING BECAUSE IM SINGLE.
And we’re just not gonna do that anymore.
Because here’s the thing: The only time I have ever really healed or listened to what I wanted is when I was single. A common thread for me has been putting my relationships above myself. Figuring out what that person needs only to realize that I am sacrificing myself in the process to get what I think will be better. Another person will not enhance me or make me happpier. Another person is beautiful, wonderful, great. But it will not make things better for me. But it is watching instagram highlight reels or romance movies that are trying to tell me otherwise. They are telling me that I’m missing out. They are telling me how much better their situation is because they have a partner to share it with. And you know what, I believe them. But I know that that is not the case for me. There is a reason that my relationships have not worked out till now where I am spending months and months away from my work and away from my friends as a single woman. So instead of wasting my time trying to figure out why this is my situation I am going to listen to my situation. And my first order of business is:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I am successful, healthy, safe, financially stable, and loved by my family, friends, and my Creator. My singleness does not water down these factors. My singleness is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. My singleness is just that. Individual.
Great. Now, what am I going to do with this time?
Sit in it. Be in it. Finally listen to myself instead of someone else. Work on my healing, collect my feelings and hold them close to my heart so that they know they are validated. Only be responsible for myself. Put my happiness in my hands. Be my own happiness. Understand that the universe wants this for me. Not to punish me. But to help me understand. To take my hand as we unravel old wounds together and put real bandaids on them this time. There is so much more to learn about ourselves and what we are fully capable of, but sometimes we need other circumstances to disappear so we can see them for ourselves. No one to tell me I’m beautiful means I have to finally believe it for myself. I have to see it for myself.
So if you’ve gotten this far, here’s what I want to tell you:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Really I mean it. Every moment you’ve experienced has gotten you to this point. So there’s no use in regretting, blaming or shaming yourself for any action you’ve taken. The only thing left to be is grateful that it happened and to start listening to your situation. Find out what you need and start there.
