It’s been one full year.
And the reason I’m still so shocked is because I can’t believe I’m still doing it. 33 Blog Posts, 138 Subscribers, hundreds of rough drafts later, and we're still goin strong.
The idea of starting a blog first crossed my mind my junior year of college. I created a website (by another name) and really thought I was going to keep up with it. I had SO MANY things I wanted to talk about and I finally wasn’t afraid to share them publicly. But school got in the way and the blog didn’t seem so important anymore or necessary. What changed, two years later, was that the blog became something greater, something I wanted to do just for me.
When “Queen Made of Light” came into fruition I was half way through my first year of tour life and had just signed my name on the dotted line for another year. While tour life can be magical and adventurous it can also take a toll on your mental health as you struggle to have a life that doesn’t revolve around the show. Which is pretty difficult since every time you move to a new city you have to figure out a life for yourself from the ground up. Really no consistency other than your cast mates, the crew, and the show. And I am someone who craves to have something of my own that brings me joy. While I love theatre I love many many other things too. Knowing myself, I have to make a point of seeking out those things and learning how to make them priorities as well.
SO- I made a list. If I am going to devote another year of my life to this tour what am I going to do for myself? One of the things on that list was- finally starting ( and keeping up with) a blog. Amongst other things like finally writing a play, buying a guitar, reading one book a month. You get the gist. Essentially it was “How can I continue to do this job, while cultivating a life filled with other things that bring me joy?”
So it started as an effort to find my joy. It was going to be a public diary about things I’ve experienced from relationships with my partners, relationships with my friends, insecurity about my body, imposter syndrome about having a career in theatre, rejection from those I love, rejection from myself, and of course, choosing joy despite it all.
Even though the dream was that people would read it, I knew that because of how proud I was for making it a priority, it would be ok if they didn’t.
I knew what I wanted to say and that was enough for me. But what I I couldn’t have imagined was how therapeutic it ended up being.
Every time I went through something I figured out how to write a blog post about it. I turned my problems into advice giving columns and used my past circumstances to inform my future. But of course I am a summary of all the experiences, relationships, and books that cross my path so I am always growing and always evolving. And when I’ve discovered something new, my blog became the first place I wanted to go.
When people started paying attention, when I felt like my advice was actually being read and used, I felt like I had a responsibility to keep going. “YOU ARE ACTUALLY READING THIS EVEN THOUGH IT’S SO LONG?” Was how I wanted to respond to every message that I got. But it got me even more excited and made me braver because I realized it wasn’t just about me anymore. I had found a way to connect with other people and contribute to society in a way that was honest and good for people. And that is the greatest gift I could ever ask for.
So Happy One Year Anniversary to the blog that saved my life, taught me to stop living for people and truly live for myself, and let me discover that by being brave and honest, I could help other people not feel so alone.
